“She Must Have Egged Him On”

This happened two nights ago.

Stop RapeIt was a balmy evening by the beach and we were heading off from the caravan park to have dinner at a nearby restaurant.

As we headed for the exit we noticed a young woman walking quickly away from a man muttering “fuck off!” She started to run into the main area of the park. She and the man were followed by two other people (as we found out later, the caravan park attendants) who were calling to the woman, trying to get her away from the guy.

It became apparent that it was a chase and that the woman was very scared.


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My husband turned and went after them while I stayed back out of the way. Moments later, the guy was being held down by my husband, the caravan park guy and two others who had rushed over to help. The woman, apparently the target of a rape attempt, ran off and we didn’t see her again.

The very drunk or drugged would-be rapist swore, struggled and yelled his guts out until the police arrived, at which point we left them to it and went to dinner, discussing what had happened. My husband’s karate skills had been put to good use and I felt glad that he’d stepped in and stopped something awful from happening.

As we returned from dinner, we encountered the caravan park guy again.

Now, I should say here that I wasn’t very keen on this guy to begin with because he was a rule Nazi, was wearing a fairly sexist T-shirt when we arrived and seemed fairly light on for intelligence. The conversation we had after we got back confirmed this.

“Do you think the police will want to talk to me about this?” my husband asked.

“Nah, mate,” the caravan park attendant said. “They’ll get him for drunk and disorderly. I don’t like people disturbing the customers like that.”

“Well,” said my husband, “at least we stopped him. He looked like he wanted to rape that girl.”

“Yeah, well, she must have egged him on, I reckon.”

At first I couldn’t believe the idiot had just said what he’d said. Not two hours ago he’d been instrumental in physically restraining a man who obviously planned to attack the fleeing woman. Then he’d assisted in the arrest of that guy. And yet this numbnut had already decided that the woman was probably at fault somehow. And that the more worrying issue was a drunk guy waking up the people in caravans.

I should have told him he was a fucking idiot. Instead I just walked away, angry. My husband was good enough to say: “Well, no means no and she definitely wanted nothing to do with him.” But the caravan park guy wasn’t the slightest bit convinced.

I have an awful feeling that this attitude isn’t rare. And from now on, when feminists talk about “rape culture”, I’m going to think of this incident. Because apparently it doesn’t matter if you’re running away screaming from a rapist, it’s still somehow your fault.


5 Replies to ““She Must Have Egged Him On””

  1. I spend a lot of time teaching self-defense. Sadly, I hear stories like this during nearly every class. Never fails to amaze me 1) how clueless and callous some people can be, and 2) that I am still shocked, despite all those stories, to learn that many people really do ascribe to victim-blaming.

    Thank you for posting this. And thank your husband, too, for helping out.

  2. As a victim of rape myself, I am constantly dealing with this issue. Every day of my life and through every relationship. I know rape is different for every woman…everyone deals with trauma differently, but for me it has been a continuing battle. I lost my virginity through rape 11 years ago and I still go through the after-affects on a daily basis. This issue you witnessed is dear to my heart, but not for the obvious reasons as much for the subtle.

    When I was sixteen I was in a relationship that allowed rape. It is always mostly the boy’s fault (sorry guys, but it is – you are bigger, stronger and have the upper hand in more ways than you can imagine), but it was also mine. I’m not subscribing to the “she must have egged him on” mentality, but I do think that we all participate in a rape culture and we need to address it individually both as women and as men. Until I learned another way to be, I didn’t know any better. Don’t get me wrong, us women all know better idealistically, but until one experiences a new way of being, you just aren’t going to understand that there is something better out there. Finally I found a boy who didn’t pressure me, treated me with respect, and showed me how beautiful sex can be! This is the true tragedy of rape: women want to have sex just as much as men do, but if it is ruined for the girl, it takes a lot of work to make it joyful again.

    This victim blaming is beyond common. It deals with how absolutely imbedded we are in the idea of rape. We all think its okay, natural, a necessary evil, something that just happens. I honestly used to think there was something wrong with me because I didn’t relish in having sex with a person who had raped me and put me in this unhappy relationship. Hell, I didn’t even really like the guy!

    But it doesn’t have to be this way. I believe I am living proof of that. Which brings me to why I am really here: I am looking for porn on the internet. Thats right, I am a lifelong rape victim who likes her porn. And I think its brilliant of me to enjoy sex the way I do. Its a struggle on every occasion, but I am completely redeemed in my faith of the human spirit every time I find joy in sex.

    The real issue I wanted to discuss is my ill-will towards most internet porn. I know, I know, I know, you pay for what you get. And I honestly enjoy some of the cheap crappy free pron out there. But every time I try to find something even remotely appealing to me as a women…and believe me, I’m a perver, so this doesn’t have to be some ultra-sensitive, ramancey, chick flick stuff, I am left with nothing but the dirty good stuff directed at men. I mean, cum on! Is it really that hard to find both attractive men AND women to participate in awesome disgusting, dipraving acts of miscontuct on the web for free?

    A rehabilitating citizen of the female race would like to see some handsome sexy men out there doing naughty things to women for free!! Hot guys! These are hard economic times…do some good for all of us women who are out there trying to make a living and trying to enjoy sex again!

  3. Ms. Naughty:

    I wanted to address the comment about the lack of “good” “free” porn for women. As someone in the industry, and privy to all sorts of juicy marketing details about how and why porn sells, I can assure you that the problem is not, as you have mentioned elsewhere, merely the issue of torrent sites. From the research I’ve seen, the torrent users are not really “sales lost” because the vast majority of torrent users were never potential customers in the first place. Sure, a few folks (a couple of hundred out of thousands) who download a movie might not purchase it because it’s available for free, but most torrent users wouldn’t buy it, anyway. The reason for the tough times in the porn world are a combination of over-competition, “DVD fatigue”, lower price point per DVD, as well as tube sites.

    And the problem with “women friendly” porn is even more obscure. The fact is, the average masturbating male will happily shell out up to $100 a month to get his jollies . . . EVERY MONTH. They watch a video an average of 2.7 times, then move on to the next purchase.

    Women, by contrast, purchase on average less than 2 DVDs PER YEAR. It’s not that women don’t enjoy porn, but in the results I’ve seen the problem is that women are not actively hunting for the porn they prefer, nor are they purchasing it in any great quantities, usually content to rely on their male SOs for their stuff (or finding it on-line). Women also watch the same movie again and again, often up to 8 times before they move on.

    So a market that spends a lot and often compared to a market that spends a little only every now and then, that’s what we’re looking at. If women want porn to match their sensibilities, the only way they’re going to get it is to create a legitimate financial demand for it. Only a very few female-oriented companies have “made it” past the two-year mark, and their sales are consistently far below the standard. When you compare the few thousand copies a women-friendly (which I’m sure you agree is a bit of a misnomer) DVD will sell to the much, much larger number of copies saw a tranny video does, it isn’t hard to see why so much crap gets made.

    Also, if you want good stuff like plots and acting and lighting these days, check out the huge number of decent parodies available from the larger producers. That should fit the bill of most women viewers.

    Love your stuff, keep it up!


  4. Ian, you offer an interesting perspective on this. Measuring the female market according to DVD sales seems to be a less-than-satisfactory way to do things. Firstly… DVDs are really on their way out as a delivery system and they have the added disadvantage that they are sold in adult stores, which women are often reluctant to visit.

    Re parodies. I haven’t seen any of them, mainly because I assume they offer the same old sex scenes that you find in any other mainstream porn film. Lighting and plots and acting are all very well and good, but if they’re having the same old male-oriented, focus-on-the-woman cliched sex, I don’t consider them very female friendly.

    I noticed on your blog you wrote: ““Chick porn” is ostensibly designed for women to enjoy, but that means the focus is on the scene, the setting, the lighting, the props, the wardrobe, the music, etc. etc. and not on the humpage.”

    That, as Yoda says, is why you fail. And why “chick porn” doesn’t sell to women like the marketing companies expect it will.

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