Violet Blue’s SF column this week, Ugly Violet, and her subsequent blog post has really struck a chord with me. She writes about the way comment trolls dismiss women because of their appearance and the body image issues women have in our culture. This is a conversation we need to be having and one I considered writing about a while ago. I must admit, I never got around to doing it, partly due to fear over what comments it might inspire.
I’ve been down that path. A few years ago I wrote a political comment opposing the Iraq war. Online opponents then went at me with an onslaught of abuse, a lot of it purely trolling. Suddenly I was a stupid, ugly skank who should keep her mouth shut.
It had a big effect on me. I couldn’t sleep, going over retorts in my mind. And I didn’t bother writing anything political ever again.
I hate to admit it, but they won. They shut me up. And I still cringe when I see that those comments are still on the web, waiting for someone to read about how I’m so stupid and ugly.
Why does the word “ugly” have such a monstrous effect on women? Why is it one of the worst insults a man can dish out? Why do we, as women, let it hurt us like that?
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I’ve seen many sites that smugly list this alleged quote by Winston Churchill:
Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.
The comment, apparently, is the very soul of wit and served to put that meddling woman in her place. But when you think about it, calling someone ugly is a very simple, low act that doesn’t require a lot of thought. It essentially involves taking some kind of superior stand and calling down societal judgement on a woman, solely because of her appearance – an aspect over which she has no control and can’t change. Being ugly makes you unworthy of men’s attention, and that is still something that most women want to avoid.
Thus, wielding the “ugly stick” gives a man power at very little cost to himself, and there’s no decent retort available. You can, of course, hit back with some kind of small penis comment, but it does involve lowering yourself to their level.
It’s hard to ignore being called ugly. I still remember the occasions at school when boys said it to me, with no provocation whatsoever. It hurts, and the scars stick with you. You become defensive. You want to fit in. You want to be beautiful. And so the dieting begins, and the make-up, and then, eventually the botox and the plastic surgery.
Unfortunately, judgements made according to appearance go beyond simple insults. They have a big affect on our lives. Studies have shown that being beautiful helps people get jobs and promotions and makes it easier to make friends and fit in socially. People are judged on first impressions all the time, and being attractive is a big bonus.
There’s a million magazine articles about making yourself look good, but our endless striving to be beautiful still means that a dichotomy must always exist. Not everyone is beautiful, especially given our extremely narrow definition of the term in Western society. There will always be “ugly” people, the ones left out in the cold because of their appearance.
Thankfully, there are some people who are rejecting the paradigm of beautiful versus ugly and trying to embrace their “ugliness.” This BBC article talks about an Argentinian author whose “Ugly Pride” movement has taken off in that country. His book Feo (Ugly) is a bestseller.
A blog called Beautiful Ugly encourages people to share their own stories of insecurity and self growth when it comes to how they look.
I’ll say this. I’m not going to win any beauty contests and I don’t care to. Some days I feel ugly and other days I’m a goddess of gorgeousness. A lot of the time I don’t bother with trying to fit in with what society considers to be beautiful because I simply couldn’t be arsed spending the time doing it. I know I have my good physical points and my bad ones. I also know I’m intelligent, sexy, unusual and a lot of fun. The people who love me, do. The ones who don’t can bugger off.
I’m still not immune to verbal abuse. Even though I know better, online comments can still bruise the ego.
In a way, the internet is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to appearance. You don’t have to post photos of yourself. You can be anonymous if you wish, or post photos of someone else and pass them off as yourself. I use a characature to represent Ms Naughty. It’s just easier that way. People like Violet who are brave enough to be “out” face challenges – including threats – that I’m not ready to endure.
There is no obligation to be truthful on the net, just as there is no obligation to be polite or civilized.
Thus, the trolls. As Violet says, the mask of the net gives plenty of people an excuse to indulge in the worst possible behaviour. I’ve actually given up reading comments a lot of the time because things inevitably spiral towards abuse, ignorance or inanity. The blanket democracy of the internet may give us a reason to believe that, deep down, human beings are pathetic.
It’s telling that one of the first comments posted to Violet’s column was an anonymous guy who insisted “But Violet, you are ugly.” As if that made everything she had to say worthless. As if he’d won, somehow.
His stupid, stupid comment has been removed, but it’s the example that proves Violet’s point. The remark is still powerful thanks to its nastiness, but to do anything other than ignore or delete it gives in to that power.
It’s a cliche, but perhaps I need to close with the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:
“No-one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
Ah, the U-word. It’s amazing how much power it has, how utterly humiliated women can feel when it’s used to describe them. The most brilliant woman in the world can be taken down a peg by it in heartbeat. God forbid we not be attractive!! But if we can allow it to wound us, then we have the power to stop. Thanks for this post and thanks to Violet Blue.