Well, seems there’s no need to write my own erotic stories when I can just quote extensively from British tabloid interviews with the Qantas air attendant who got it on with Ralph Fiennes in the toilet:
“We were so close. Our faces were less than a foot apart and then he started holding my hands. Then he began kissing me. The kissing was very passionate and his hands were all over me. I just melted. He started caressing my neck, holding my head and then he started undoing the buttons on my dress. The way he was going, he would have had sex with me there and then. I melted. I was gone. I was very turned on. So was he. I had butterflies in my stomach. I was touching his face and his hair. He had beautiful skin. I could tell he was aroused. I was undoing his shirt as well…
“Eventually, I couldn’t bear it any longer. I just grabbed his hand and said, ‘Come in here a minute’.
“By this time, we had half our clothes off. I didn’t care if my boss saw us, I led him into the cabin toilet next to where we had been sitting and locked the door. The second we were in there, he started ripping his clothes off and then he helped me get mine off.
“Within seconds, we both ended up totally naked – him with his trousers around his shoes and me stripped bare. My hold-up stockings were the only thing left on…
“There wasn’t much room. We were both standing up. I sat on the sink and straight away Ralph starting giving me oral sex. It was amazing but I was a bit shocked. I liked it but I was surprised he would do that to a total stranger.
“He was a completely unselfish lover. He did that for a few minutes then I grabbed his manhood. He was very well endowed.
“I thought if I was going to get the sack, it would be worth it. I knew everything was totally against the rules and wrong but I didn’t care. I was going for it.
Then they go back to the his hotel room for a bit more fun.
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“He dropped the towel and was wandering around naked. I was laughing, I thought it was hilarious. He had quite a nice body…
“He opened a box of condoms and took one out and put one on. I was lying on the bed naked but then he wanted me to stand up. I was facing him.
“We were kissing and fondling each other for a minute or so, then he turned me around, bent me over and had sex with me.
“I thought to myself, ‘Ralph, you are a bit of a kinky boy’ – but I was loving it.”
Phew! That’s some seriously steamy reading from a newspaper. And one helluva case of kiss and tell. I guess when you’ve been sacked from your job, a large cheque from a newspaper fills the gap quite nicely.
Pic of Ralph Fiennes and Juliette Binoche from this page.