I LOVE lollies. And I’ve long had a sweet tooth for Strawberries and Cream. Normally I don’t buy packets of sweets but I was on holiday at the beach, and thought I’d indulge myself.
And thus, I encountered this lovely picture on the back of the plastic packet. Now, we both know what is supposed to be depicted here. Two strawberries are having a cream fight, as they tend to do when no-one is looking. It happens all the time at Wimbledon.
Even so, this pic looks jarringly like the dreaded money shot that occurs repeatedly in porn movies. Maybe it’s the colour of the cream, maybe it’s the fake smile on the receiving-end strawberry, I don’t know. Either way, I found myself thinking about semen whenever I put my hand into the lolly packet.
And when you’re on holiday, trying to relax and not think about porn (because it’s work), that’s kind of annoying, not to mention a trifle… disturbing.
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So then I started to think about all the other ways in which porn has transformed the way I think about things, and encounter numerous innocent, everyday objects.
You know you’ve been in porn too long when:
* Your female friend says she had a great facial the other day and you don’t automatically assume she’s talking about visiting a beautician.
* Your bank raises ATM fees and you find yourself thinking that no-one is ever paid nearly enough for ass-to-mouth.
* You encounter Astroboy or another Japanese animation and wonder when the Hentai tentacle sex is going to start.
* You hear that a DP was nominated for several cinematography awards and you think that must have been one helluva double penetration scene.
* The idea of a clown getting a “cream pie in the face” makes you wonder if a female acrobat was involved.
* The cricket commentators are talking about leather and willow and it calls up scary mental images of Shane Warne in bondage (getting the thrashing he deserves).
* You try to type “six” and it always comes out as “sex”.
* You find yourself appraising naked men and thinking “nice content”.
And of course…
* You can spot fake tits from a mile away.