In May last year I wrote What I want to see in photos and video. I wrote it after being subjected to the artcore inanity of In The Garden of Shadows.
My list of video requirements included:
* If the woman is going to moan, make sure she does it naturally, building to a climax. Don’t let her just go “Nnnnnyeah, nnnnyeah” every 2.6 seconds for the entire movie.
* Do NOT let the woman suck her finger like it’s a dick. It just looks stupid.
* Did I mention… no looking at the camera?
* If the guy performs cunnilingus, he has to perform cunnilingus. Not move his tongue all over the place at odd intervals or pretend it’s a dick that has to poke her vagina or similar. Lick the clit. Slowly, deliberately, constantly. Properly. The same goes for nipple sucking.
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* If there’s sex, go slow. Not all the time, but even just at first. I’m so goddam sick of seeing scenes of jackhammer intercourse.
* Let me see some intimate touching. Run fingers across skin. Caress. Tickle.
* If the couple talk dirty to each other, make it intimate. Don’t make the guy sound like some bossy prick who’s ordering around an army. Make him admire her. It’s far more sexy to hear “Oh baby, you’re so hot, I love to lick your clit” rather than “Oh yeah, you big stupid slut, you just love being fucked in the ass, don’t you?”
* And for goodness sake, NEVER let the woman say “Fuck that pussy/fuck that ass.” It’s horribly cliched, and – to me – sounds as if she’s talking about her pussy like it’s some horrible disembodied thing that needs a damned good thrashing or it will escape. Why not have HER say “I love fucking you. I’m going to fuck you until you come.” Give the power to her.
* Make sure the music doesn’t sound like 70s disco. Unless it’s a 70s disco kind of film.
* Let me see that the guy is enjoying himself. I realise he may be reciting recipes in his head to keep from cumming, but a little facial expression really helps, and it’s nice to see that the guy is more than some kind of automated piston.
* The scene can be as kinky as you like, include any kind of sex. Just as long as you remember that it’s women watching, not men. Try and present it differently.
So, I want to add a couple more things to this list.
* Tone down the makeup, nails and hair. Give me realistic, natural-looking makeup, not 6 inch fake eyelashes or radioactive blue eyeshadow. Ensure the make-up matches the scenario i.e. If she’s in the shower or just got out of bed, theatrical makeup and perfect hair may not be the best idea.
* Let the guy make some noise! I’m sick of this dichotomy where the woman is practically screaming and the man is dead silent. Let’s hear some man-moaning!
* If the couple change positions, I want to see them do it in a less deliberate way. Too often I’ve seen a couple stop mid-shag, seemingly coming to agreement via telepathy, and they instantly know which position they’re going to next. Let’s have a bit of talk, a bit of spontenaety about it. It shouldn’t look like a choreographed move.
* Further to the above two points, I want to see the couple talking to each other about what they’re doing. Let’s say it’s time to have anal sex… So, don’t just shove it in. Ask! Negotiate. Talk it up. Let me hear her say how she likes it done!
* Enough with the “banging a dick on her pussy” business. Cliched, and just silly.
* The women should take off their shoes. It always, always looks uncomfortable for her.
* What the hell is wrong with a bit of clit stimulation? Oh, I’m sure it completely stuffs up the camera angle, but I don’t give a damn! Too often the poor little man in the boat is left high and dry, and I for one am sick of it. Rub the clit at every opportunity! Give the clit its due!
* I’ve already said this in my article I Hate The Money Shot but I’m going to say it again… Can we please, please, end the scene with something other than a cumshot? Especially a facial cumshot. Sex doesn’t HAVE to end when the guy comes – especially if the woman hasn’t had her orgasm. If seeing a guy masturbating after having sex to achieve the cumshot is necessary, then let’s see the woman doing it too! Never mind that kneeling-gratefully-with-the-mouth-open crap. Let’s see her flicking the bean at the same time! I want some orgasm equality in my porn!
* Porn sex shouldn’t always be about penetration ending in male orgasm. I want to see variety… and variety doesn’t mean 3.5 position changes. Let’s see people getting off via oral sex, or using sex toys, or masturbating together, or foot fucking, or him pleasuring her, or two guys pleasuring her… or well, anything really!
I was inspired to write this post by Hoot Island’s post Help! I’m turning into an anti-porn activist!. Some of their suggestions include:
” – Women who don’t feel obligated to stick their entire tongue out of their mouths whenever they kiss or lick anything.
– If there must be anal, be discrete with it. And definitely do not go from anal to a facial or blowjob, which seems to be the new trend. Forget it, I’ll turn the thing off and go watch cartoons. I mean, eww.
– Women that aren’t shaved and made up to look underage.
– Guys that look like someone you might not run away from on a dark night. Or a sunny afternoon.
– Sounds that weren’t dubbed or forced. I’m sorry, no one moans with ecstasy while they’re giving a blowjob.
– People grateful to get oral sex instead of standing there looking haughty and all conquerery.
– Movies that don’t have the same sex acts, in the same order, every time.
– And, hardest to find of all… playfulness! I have absolutely no interest in watching people fuck when I’m pretty sure I’d never want to hang around with any of them because they’re too fake, too insensitive, too shallow, or too scary. Don’t fun people fuck? In front of a camera, I mean?”
Sounds like there are people out there who want the same thing I do. Decent porn. Realistic porn. Fun porn. No amount of big-budgets or soft lighting or arty camerawork can make a porn movie better if its following all those annoying cliches.
So what I’ve got in this thread is essentially a “Good Porn Film Manifesto.” Sure, it talks about what NOT to have, but it’s a start. If movie directors started to follow these rules when creating their adult films, you’d essentially have a whole new genre of porn. And considering how so much mainstream porn is currently on a trajectory to the sewer, it would be worth doing.
When For The Girls films is up and running (at present it’s still in the “completely nonexistent” stage), this will be my manifesto! Hurrah! Viva the Revolution!