Porn For Teens?

Thanks to the lovely Violet Blue I ended up reading this Reddit thread about one father’s approach to finding porn on his 13 year old son’s computer. Rather than give “the talk” he left a Word document on the kid’s PC  and it’s a great read:

Listen, I was 13 once too and it wasn’t so long ago that I don’t remember. I’m not mad or anything. It’s life and I did it too. I just want you to know that most of those sites are places that can and will ruin your computer… I won’t tell your mom and I’m not gonna make a big deal out of this. In fact I’m not gonna make any size deal out of it. If you don’t wanna talk about it that’s fine and I completely understand.

Essentially he said that looking at porn was OK but that he didn’t want him messing up the computer with viruses by visiting dodgy porn sites. Thus, the dad provided his son with the URLs of several free porn sites that were virus- and malware-free. Redditors lauded the dad for his parenting technique.

While I think the father did the right thing by not shaming his son about porn use, I felt that there was something not quite right about directing a kid to Porn Hub and telling him to beat off with impunity. And the reason I felt that way was because the dad didn’t make any effort to talk about the meaning of porn in his letter. He didn’t offer any kind of context for what the kid might be seeing. It didn’t have to be a huge essay, just a couple of vital lines saying:

a) Porn is meant to be a fantasy and doesn’t always reflect real life sex

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b) The way women are portrayed and treated in porn is not necessarily how they want to be treated in real life.

c) Do not compare your body with those of the men in porn and don’t assume that women will look like that either.

As it turns out this issue was raised a long way down in the comments. An update from the dad reveals that the son found the letter and came straight out to talk face-to-face about it. At that point, following the suggestion of Redditors, the dad did make some effort to discuss objectification of women, to his credit.

From the father’s point of view, avoiding embarrassment was the main concern with this incident so perhaps he didn’t want to get into a long debate about the negative aspects of porn. Yet it seems to me that this little bit of sex education is vital and should be one of the first things that is discussed. I don’t doubt that the “13 year old finds porn” scenario is happening everywhere now thanks to the ubiquity of porn on the internet. Getting angry, shaming and banning is not the most helpful response but neither is blithely assuming that “boys will be boys” (and girls will be girls, by the way) and letting kids absorb porn without any grounding in it’s meaning.

So, vaguely horrified that a naive 13 year old would be watching some of the freakier stuff on the porn tube sites, I found myself thinking what URLs the father should have provided. Certainly I could name a whole bunch of feminist or respectful porn sites that might have been a good starting point (e.g. I Shot Myself, Beautiful Agony, Abby Winters…).

But then I thought: wouldn’t it be nice if there was a “porn for teens” site? I mean, let’s just ignore the fact that it’s illegal for people under 18 to look at porn and instead imagine something that better reflects the reality we’re now in, where kids do look at porn and there’s not much we can do about it… except educate.

If I was going to set up a “porn for teens” site my first thought is I’d want it to be a little bit “soft” to begin with. Dare I say vanilla. Leave the circus acts for later, maybe. But then kink can develop fairly early on… so perhaps feature a variety of sex acts but ensure that what’s depicted is done consensually and respectfully. I’d want to include heaps of information about exactly what’s going on and why, so sex education articles would accompany every scene. Also, interviews with the performers to ensure they’re personalised. Naturally the site would include all sexualities. There would be no slut shaming, no negativity and nothing shown out of context. The performers would have safe sex wherever possible and use lots of lube and enjoy sex toys. Clitoral stimulation and good sex techniques would be very much on display. The site would also feature a variety of body types and looks including trans and genderqueer people. And no porn cliches, if possible.

I’d also make sure there were scenes featuring real couples, interacting they way they do in bed at home. I would want to show emotion, laughter, intimacy, connection and love.

Actually, this is essentially everything *I* want from porn… and these are the guiding principles behind most feminist porn. This kind of better porn will also benefit teens who are learning about sex from porn. If they are learning from watching, it would be great to be able to show them the good stuff.

One of the greatest compliments I ever received was when I man at the Berlin Porn Film Festival said he thought That’s What I Like would be a good first porn film to show his teenage daughter. I really like the idea of creating sexually explicit content that could provide a positive formative experience for someone.

Of course, this is all theoretical. If I were to set out to create a porn site aimed at 13 year olds I’d be in a hell of a lot of legal trouble. And yet it’s such an appealing idea. Perhaps it’s something teenagers themselves need to organise, although I have no idea how they’d do it. Or maybe some of us in the porn industry should just take the risk and do it. Face reality and embrace it in a positive way.

What do you think?