It’s Valentines Day today which in theory is all about celebrating romantic love. All well and good, except I’m seeing an awful lot of cynicism and unhappiness surrounding the day, on Facebook, on Twitter, in the media. Seems Valentines day makes a lot of people feel either lonely, bitter, guilty or let down. It’s a day that’s become buried under expectation, obligation and an avalanche of marketing.
Perhaps it’s time we had a word about the V-word.
I like the idea of having a day where we remind ourselves how lucky we are to have love in our lives and to express that. But the Valentines Day thing has gone way beyond that. It’s turned into a bit of a Frankenstein’s gift card, come to beat us about the head with commercialism.
Many people see Valentines Day as a thing where men have to give women presents, preferably chocolate and flowers. Or jewellery, sometimes engagement rings. It seems to be a bit of a one-way street on the gift-giving front, with no obligation for women to return the favour. It’s not very, you know, feminist. Surely if you’re in love, gifts aren’t a prerequisite?
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And this gift-giving ritual creates that previously mentioned feeling of expectation and obligation; women think that if their man doesn’t give them something, he doesn’t love her. And the guy feels obligated to buy stuff even if he isn’t feeling it, because if he doesn’t spend money on chocolates or flowers, he is somehow lacking in devotion.
Apparently some guys were so fed up with this that they created “Steak and a Blowjob Day” on March 14. They reasoning is that Valentines is for women so they want their own day to get the type of gift they really like.*
Can I just say how utterly divorced from real love this whole scenario is? Love doesn’t require you to keep score or spend money or demand affection. That’s ownership, not romance, and if you’re conducting Valentines Day in that way, you need to rethink what’s happening.
There’s also the stress Valentines Day creates for those without partners. The card and gift-giving frenzy can lead to raised – and dashed – hopes of attention. And the focus on relationships as a societal norm can make singles feel left out and unhappy. For many, today feels like a failure. And it shouldn’t, because romantic love isn’t the be-all and end-all of life and plenty of people can have perfectly happy lives without permanent romantic relationships.
I’ve been in a relationship for 23 years. The only time we gave each other Valentines gifts was on the very first occasion, when we were fresh lovers. I was 16 and rather enamoured of the whole idea. My spouse, however, was much more cynical. Sure, he liked the pair of undies I gave him that said “Make me late for work” and we had a nice enough day, but it wasn’t the spectacular festival of love I’d expected. I remember being vaguely disappointed for a while but he explained what he thought of the whole thing and I saw where he was coming from.
The thing is, though, that I realised we didn’t need just one day of the year to express our love. We did it every day, in lots of little ways. Kisses, hugs, endearments, kindnesses. And yes, occasional presents. Sometimes we give each other flowers without spending money – we’ll point to a bunch at the florist and say “They’re for you,” and the other will say “Thank you” and we’ll share a smile. That’s all that’s required.
Every day brings a constant renewal and affirmation that yes, we do love each other.
And this morning we did the same thing. We kissed, said I love you and went about our business. And later I remembered that it was Valentines Day. I found the above e-card and we both had a giggle about it. Because after this long, it really is great that we still enjoy each other’s company, every single day. That’s an achievement.
I have read a lot about the philosophy of gratefulness. It involves simply feeling happy with what you have and being thankful that you have it. I think Valentines Day needs to be more about that idea. Feeling glad for the love in your life, no matter where it comes from, be it family, friends or a special someone. And taking the time to be kind and generous to others as well, so that they, too, can feel the love. It doesn’t require cards or gifts. Just a nice word, a smile, a hug, a laugh.
That is how we should do Valentines Day. It would create a lot more happiness than it currently does.
* I created Cake and Cunnilingus Day as a response to Steak and a Blowjob Day.