The Girl With A One Track Mind always gives good blog, and her latest post is no exception. In it she replies to the suggestion that she’s a fake because no “real” woman could have that many orgasms so easily. I liked this bit:
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Seriously (and ego aside) though, what’s with all the focus on MEN bringing WOMEN to orgasm? Isn’t there enough pressure on men already? What about women bringing themselves to orgasm? I’ve stated, many times, on this blog that women need to take responsibility for their own pleasure. By learning about their bodies and discovering what works for them; by switching off those horrid insecurities that can impact the sex (“Does he think I’m fat?”; “Will he consider me a slut for fucking him on the first date?”; “Am I shit at hand-jobs?”); by gaining confidence in stating their needs, women will have a better time in bed – as will the men they’re with – and the sex will be improved as a result.
She’s spot on. Unfortunately there’s this long tradition in our society that a man “makes” the woman come. It’s all tied up in the whole Freudian thing where the official source of female orgasms is via a penis moving in and out of a vagina. The clit is still something that a woman has to “discover”. Sex education still emphasises intercourse and pretty much implies that penis-in-vagina equals orgasm for both partners automatically. I don’t doubt that the majority of women fully expect the fireworks thing to happen when they first have sex. And when that doesn’t occur… well, cue all the insecurity and worrying and stress.
Self discovery combined with communication is the key to good sex for women. I’m so glad the Girl is out there waving the flag for us.
Hmmm…I agree and disagree.
On the “disagree” side: most of the time, it seems to me that the reason for the emphasis on men bringing women to orgasm stems from the refusal on women’s part to accept the “orgasm from intercourse or don’t at all” mentality. As if that’s the only way a man can do it is (passively) through intercourse, the (surprise!) predominate way that men orgasm. For years women have been pathologized for being unable to receive sexual satisfaction other than through intercourse, and their orgasms were also seen as nonessential. Unfortunately, I don’t think that these sterotypes have been broken enough in mainstream culture (particularly that latter one) to “give up” on the idea that men should work at helping/making us orgasm in ways other than PIV.
On the “agree” side: That said, women DO need to take charge of their own pleasure to, by experimenting themselves and then communicating with their partner what they like, which, in turn, also requires male partners to be open to such communication which not nearly every man is–many see it as threatening to be “told” what to do. Further, I think women “taking charge” should also be about, let’s say, masturbating while doing it doggie style, or using a vibrator while he stimulates your body, etc. And a lot of men are very intimidated by sex toys, which is at least evidenced by periodic callers to Sue Johansen’s show and to Men’s Mag articles reassuring men that a vibrator doesn’t replace them.
So the way I see it, for this suggestion to work, in additional to women’s own responsibility, requires breaking down an awful lot of assumptions about male sexual prowess and men checking their egos. I just would hate to see us go back to men feeling like they don’t need to do anything for their partner but fuck her.