Keep Very Still In The Men’s Room

You know, I’m glad I’m a girl. This whole Larry Craig gay foot tapping incident has no doubt got plenty of men feeling even more nervous about what they do in public toilets.

A couple of months ago I wrote a column in For The Girls about Secret Men’s Business – the rather extensive etiquette straight men use when going to the bathroom. Here’s a snippet:

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1. If you’re at a pub or picnic with friends, and another man in your party goes to the toilet ahead of you, you wait until he comes out before proceeding. Male friends NEVER go to the toilet together

2. You don’t talk to, or look at, any of the other men in the toilet when you get in there.

3. If the urinal is already occupied by one guy, you use the stall.

4. If all the stalls are occupied and there is already one guy at the urinal, you take one end and he takes the other. The aim is to stand as far away from each other as possible.

Now I feel like the article only touched the surface. Who knew that you had to refrain from tapping your foot as well? Too bad if you can’t get that Ben Harper song out of your head. The foot must remain completely still.

And the thing that we girls do when we run out of toilet paper (“Excuse me, could you pass some under the stall? Thanks”)? Obviously dangerous territory in the men’s room.

ABC News was so disturbed by this whole “gay men’s secret signals” idea that they’ve done a whole article on it. That should ramp up the paranoia nicely.

It’s very difficult to be homophobic in women’s toilets because we’re too busy queueing.