The Mirror has published a poll of 2000 Brits, revealing a list of the 100 most annoying things.
James Blunt came in at number 4, well ahead of stepping in dog poo.
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Inspired by such a tetchy, “grumpy old women” list, I thought I’d do something similar. Thus, here it is, the 30 most annoying things about porn – as voted by me… and a couple of other people:
1. Very few female orgasms
2. The “official sex formula” of blowjob, pussy licking (if you’re lucky) 3.5 positions then a facial cumshot, every single time.
3. Fake boobs
4. Sex scenes that just keep going, and going… and going
5. Women leaving their shoes on during sex
6. The camera always focusing on the woman so you can’t see the guy if he’s hot
7. Repeating the same loop of footage to pad out the scene
8. Men looking haughty and bored when they’re getting a blowjob
9. The “reality” trend of supposedly tricking a girl into sex to prove she’s just a stupid slut
10. Repetitive music
11. The idea that a title equals a plot (thanks to Sam Sugar for that)
12. Those ridiculous nails on the “lesbians”
13. Bad spelling on boxcovers
14. Endless, repetitive moaning on the woman’s part (“Nnnnyeah, nnnnyeah…”), especially if she keeps building to a crescendo… and then goes back to the beginning again, but never actually comes
15. That whole “tongue jousting” thing… Just kiss already!
16. Dodgy camerawork
17. Boxcovers not reflecting what’s in the movie
18. “Lesbians” supposedly having sex without once touching each other’s clit
19. Badly dubbed moans and sighs
20. Male porn stars looking like they’re reciting baseball scores in their head
21. James Blunt… just thought I’d throw that one in
21a. Guys keeping deadly silent throughout the entire sex act
22. Extra fake “popshots” where the guy has to masturbate for some time and the girl kneels in front of him and smiles like she’s having her photo taken
23. Slapping the clit, either with a dick or a hand. For goodness sake, rub or lick it!
24. Excessive makeup. Enough with the radioactive blue eyeshadow!
25. Starlets ecstatically sucking their finger like it’s a dick
26. Bad cunnilingus, like when a guy decides he’s going to use his tongue as a dick and “fuck” her vagina. Again… just lick her clit!
27. Creepy looking male stars
28. Gag-inducing extreme porn – ass-to-mouth, vomiting, felching… I mean, it’s just not very nice, is it?
29. Too much or not enough plot
30. “Straight porn” means the audience is straight men who want to look at naked women and “gay porn” means the audience is gay men who want to look at men
Got anything to add? Please give me your comments!
Bravo!
*thunderous applause*
Another thing that boggles my mind is the whole woman-performing-fellatio-on-a-sex-toy bit. I mean, really? Who’s enjoying that?
most of the stuff you find annoying, makes me cum. HOT!
Fair enough, Elle, everyone has different tastes. Although do you really get hot when the women don’t orgasm? When the male stars look creepy? When the spelling is bad? The list does reflect some of my tastes, but I also tried to identify generic complaints about why porn can be so frustrating for a lot of people.
Brilliant post. I’ve been annoyed by many of the same things myself – especially the fake nails, lack of cunnilingus and ignoring the clitoris. Maybe they’ll listen to us and start making some decent porn for women eventually!
I have a couple:
no condoms or other protection in “straight” porn
apparently lube is out, too, so instead we have the charming
*hork* PTUI
Seriously, spit? Neither hott (for many of us) nor particularly effective. Just break out the damn lube already!
Outstanding post. Why is this stuff so popular? Does the target audience like it or are the producers just incompetent?
My personal peeve: When the guy behind the camera and his idiot buddies are joking and giggling like Beavis and Butthead. There’s nothing that kills a hard-on faster than hearing some dusted fratboys trying to sound cool. Some of the “reality” sites are really bad about this.
Hi, just found your website through Hedonistic Pleasureseeker’s blog. May I take this opportunity to add…
1. Men coming over women’s faces…I know some people will find this appealing, but I just think it looks messy (and slightly degrading)
2. You’ve mentioned creepy-looking male actors, but what about the downright ugly ones? Some of them look really old and horrible and you can tell these women are only sleeping with them cause they get paid for it.
3. When men barge in on lesbian sex. Come on, how believeable is this? If they’re supposed to be enjoying it, why would you need to “help them out”?
4. When the girls can hardly speak English. It makes me wonder how aware they are of what they’re letting themselves in for.
5. Women who supposedly come through penetration and nothing else, every time. Where’s the 70% who can’t actually do that?
Although believe it or not, I don’t actually hate all porn, but my tastes are more towards all-women films cause they have less of this sexism and outright ignorance about women’s bodies.
How did James Blunt make it in there?
1. How about the one girl getting all the action and the other couple in the scene are just airkissing clits.
2. The rubbing of cum all over the face? Why.
3. And yes, those ridiculous nails on lesbians.