I’m editing a story written by a smut monkey.
More specifically, a while ago we purchased a collection of erotic stories that were most likely written by one of ten million horny monkeys with ten million typewriters.
The stories themselves can be quite sexy, but the writing is absolutely dreadful. The writer – I won’t do her the honour of naming her – obviously fancied herself to be an erotic fiction dynamo, but in the process of churning out several hundred sex stories she forgot about the basics of English.
Thus it is that she enjoys ending every sentence with three exclamation marks!!!
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And putting question marks in bizarre places?!? “Why would she do that,” you ask?
And then she loves writing endless sentences that go on and on and never pause for a breath and describe six different actions at once and never bother with a comma or a line break any kind of decent punctuation whatsoever, even when different people are speaking…
Sigh. So I go through and, like some kind of perverted English teacher*, I fix it all up. Takes about fifteen minutes every story. I often rewrite sentences or add new lines to make the whole thing more readable. I also change bits so the story is less about jackhammer sex and more about clitoral stimulation.
And the final results are featured in our “Pulp Fiction” section. They’re still awful, trashy stories, but – as I said – they can be quite the turn on, and it’s nice to go slumming once in a while.
I was inspired to write this post by these two magnificent examples of the overblown, generally amateur writing that I’ve had to edit:
Her breathing became more and more erratic as her husband used his mouth all over her overheated crack, until almost without warning, her pussy convulsed as a mind bending orgasm twisted her cunt into an orgasmic pretzel.
Now, I don’t know about you, but this image is just a little scary. How does a woman recover from having her nether regions twisted into an orgasmic pretzel?
With the high state of sexual tension passing between them, it only took a matter of a few minutes before both of them were locked in an orgasmic embrace as their genitals ground together in a mutually mind blowing climax.
Mmm, genitals grinding together, like two pieces of orgasmic rusty metal. Or rusty pretzels, perhaps…
Why are the standards for erotic fiction on porn sites so low? Is it because a lot of it is written for men and the assumption is that men only want to get to the good bits, and to hell with punctuation and good writing? Or is it a legacy of all those sleazy, low-down adult bookstores with their cheap paperback smut novels?
I don’t know. All I do know is that someone needs to give those smut monkeys a lesson in punctuation.
* My unused diploma on the wall means I’m qualified for such tasks…