In August 2012 Jiz Lee contacted me asking if I’d like to contribute to a book they were editing called How To Come Out Like A Porn Star. The book aimed to explore the dynamic of how porn performers and sex workers reveal their occupation to family, friends and outsiders. I readily agreed, though it took me a couple of months and a looming deadline to finally dash off my thoughts on the topic.
The project went into hiatus for a while as Jiz spent a couple of years exploring self-publishing. Finally they secured a traditional publishing deal at the end of 2014 and the end result is finally on the shelves, a project much bigger in scope than Jiz originally envisaged. Coming Out Like A Porn Star features the personal stories of over 50 professionals from the adult industry, myself included. This includes performers, directors, camera operators and even an IT specialist. All detail their own personal experience of “coming out” to others about their work with varying detail and commentary. Almost all the essays make for compulsive reading.
“Coming Out” as a process is essentially about revealing something secret about yourself to others. That secret typically involves an aspect of the self that is not readily apparent at first sight and which identifies that person as part of a (sometimes reviled) minority. People come out about their queerness, their gender identities, their hidden disabilities and their involvement in sex work or porn. In doing so, they step away from automatic assumptions about who they are and put their real selves on display. The way others react to this revelation is often at the core of coming out stories. The potential for conflict or acceptance creates an instant dramatic tension and that makes for compelling reading and storytelling.
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I was familiar with my own essay, of course, but I didn’t know who else was going to be featured until I received my own copy of the book, splendid in its pink cover with Jiz bursting out of a figurative vulva. The author list is a veritable whos-who of the alternative, queer and feminist porn scenes, with a few big-name mainstream stars and directors thrown in for good measure. The selection seem to be people the editor knows personally which means the book’s viewpoints tend to be skewed in favour of queer, US-based performers but to me that makes it all the more engaging; these are voices who are typically ignored when the media discusses pornography. Also, I know a lot of these people myself so it’s fascinating to hear their perspectives compared to mine.
Of course, knowing the authors makes no difference to the authenticity and power of their stories. Each one offers a compelling narrative about the process of coming out. Some focus on individual events (most often the difficult issue of revealing porn performance to one’s parents). Others speak more broadly to the stigma related to sex work and the wider issues of privacy, secrecy, relationships and disclosure. Since so many identify as queer, coming out is something they don’t do just once; it’s an ongoing process that can be exhausting at times.
Many of the stories held a familiarity for me: the hesitation on meeting new people, the sizing up of strangers, trying to work out the risks or benefits or coming out, the need to make life easier with white lies and half-truths. My own experience of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” code with my parents is echoed by many others.
There are some horror stories here: unexpected outings delivered by vengeful strangers – the worst being the publication of 15,000 real names and addresses on a hateful website a couple of years ago. There are tales of rejection by family, turned backs and dreadful arguments, loss of employment, drug addiction and self harm. Just the sort of thing you’d expect to hear about porn performers, right?
Except these aren’t the whole story, nor do they come close to making up the majority of essays. There are plenty of tales of easy, cheerful acceptance, complemented by stories of family doing their best to overcome assumptions and embrace true unconditional love. As with any human interaction, coming out as a porn star is far more complicated and nuanced than you might expect.
There are many fine essays in this book but a few really stood out for me. Stoya’s amusing anecdote about telling her grandmother that she’d appropriated her name was great. Annie Sprinkle made me smile (as usual) with her open-hearted generosity and determined sex-positivity. Lorelei Lee’s beautifully paced piece on the power of naming reads like fine literature, drawing you in to her world and her decisions with exquisite care. Madison Young talks about raising her daughter to be open about sex so that “coming out” isn’t an issue. And Candida Royalle’s contribution is simply poignant, given that she only recently passed away.
This book does a fine job of illuminating the stigma that sex workers and porn performers deal with every day. It showcases the judgement people face for daring to live their sexual lives in a different way and it also shines a light on the very real dangers of harassment, stalking, legal trouble and physical harm that many face because of the work they do. And yet beyond that there are repeated stories about how sex work can be empowering and life-affirming and how coming out created a vital freedom for those suffocated by too long in the closet. The act also creates opportunities for personal growth and enhanced understanding for those who hear the coming out story. Many see coming out as a political act; living out and proud helps break down stereotypes about who sex workers and porn performers are.
Indeed, this whole book is a huge step towards personalizing people in the adult industry and proving that we aren’t just duped schills for the patriarchy or bimbos living a life of false consciousness, betraying the true feminists. Every person in this book deserves to have their voice heard; it should be required reading for those who hold that pornography and sex work are inherently harmful. What Coming Out Like A Porn Star shows is that it is the stigma and judgement, not the porn, that causes problems for people. And when a person is freed of that stigma, pornography can be a very positive life experience.
Disclaimer: In theory I shouldn’t be reviewing this book since I have an essay in it. Nonetheless, I only received a one-off payment for my work and won’t receive any further royalties. I do want to promote the book because I think it really is a worthy contribution to our conversations about porn. But also, it’s a great read. I found it a real page turner. And I now wish I’d written a more in-depth piece; mine seems almost shallow compared to others. So I’m going to write up a sequel essay, informed by some of the things I’ve read in the rest of the book. Coming soon.
You can purchase Coming Out Like A Porn Star directly from Jiz Lee or from Amazon