Seems that I missed “Penis Week” on Britain’s Channel 4. They offered three documentaries focusing on the wedding tackle: The Perfect Penis, Chopped Off: The Man Who Lost His Penis (about John Bobbit), and The World’s Biggest Penis.
Heckler Spray gives a hilarious review of the third documentary, which mainly focuses on the extradinarily well-hung Jonah Falcon. An excerpt:
“Fact fans will be interested to note that your average penis is six inches long when, ahem, full of blood. Jonahâ€™s is 13-and-a-half inches. Nearly double. Itâ€™s no joke to imagine being clubbed to death by it. There are smaller salmon. Obviously, a man with a massive thing like that isnâ€™t going to be shy about it (who wouldn’t be?), and when it is unleashed on camera… well, itâ€™s enough to scare a police horse. Probably make it quite jealous too.”
With such a glowing description to guide me, I went looking for pictures of Jonah Falcon. Of course, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of Jonah and his monster member. I’ve had this photo of him wandering around my “humour” file for ages, although I can’t remember where it came from. His dick almost looks photoshopped in this pic.
A search reveals a Rolling Stone Interview and a Wikipedia entry on him, among other things. There’s also this amusingly bitchy description of him from the “Top 100 Trainwrecks of the 20th Century” (I recommend the whole site, a great read).
“…After approaching me and engaging me in some cursory conversation, he asked me, point blank, “so what do you think of my bicycle shorts?” I remember glancing down real quick, thinking GOOD CHRIST ALMIGHTY, and then looking back up real quick. I said “nice shorts. Lycra?”
There’s not too many other pics of Jonah out there. This page at Static Beth has three pics submitted by Jonah himself, including one where he’s performing the most impressive “wrist watch” dick trick I’ve ever seen.
The Sun’s recent article tells us that Jonah is unhappy, lives with his mother and hasn’t had a girlfriend for ten years. It features a pic of him wearing tight leather pants, two chins and a disgruntled look. But never mind all that. Check out the ruler graphic on the right comparing Jonah’s 13 inches with other celebrities. Yes, that is Jude Law at the 2 inch mark. Cruel, cruel people at the Sun.
Jonah used to have a homepage but it’s no longer available. Daze Reader reported in 2003 that he’d maxed out the bandwidth on his free hosting. He dabbled in acting and porn but didn’t get too far. I think he should give it another go; after all, if John Bobbit can make a porn film, why can’t he? I’m sure there’s some director out there who can’t wait to make a movie entitled “The World’s Biggest Penis.”
A while ago I wrote an article for Australian Women’s Forum about men with exceptionally large penises. Having a huge schlong is never all its cracked up to be. Sex is often difficult (not to mention shallow) and finding a decent pair of jeans is a nightmare. The article is now in the archives at For The Girls.
Now, everybody… sing along!
I take a look at my enormous penis, and my troubles start meltin’ away,
I take a look at my enormous penis, and the happy times are comin’ to stay,
I gotta sing and dance when I glance in my pants and the feelin’s like a sunshiny day,
I take a look at my enormous pee-hee-hee-nis and everything’s goin’ my way…
-DaVinci’s Notebook, mp3 here